Private Thoughts Of A Cantankerous Protazoan
by Blazing Fool
Summary: ...Not just an excuse to use big words like cantankerous. Noishe reveals his thoughts to a diary, and teaches us all to pay a little more attention to furry animal companions.
1. Chapter 1

Just a random little thing that popped into my head. Written in about 30 minutes.

The Disclaimer: I do not own ToS or anything else that's not mine, except for the plot. That's mine. Noishe'll eat you if you steal it.

_**Monday 9:31 A.M.**_

Ugh, Dirk's asleep, young Master Imbecile is at school, and I'm stuck in this accursed house, with absolutely nothing to do. If only Dirk was awake, we could probably get a game of blackjack going…(1)

In other news, my dear diary, that fool Tail has dropped his defenses. I shall strike with all my power immediately! I can see him now, simply drooped lazily there… It would be so easy to smite him where he stands. Sits. …Lies.

How the _hell_ did I go _4000 years _without _noticing_ the bastard? Granted, it was awfully hard to formulate any sort of sentient thought when I was just crawling out of the ocean, but _still_, you'd think I would have noticed a stubby useless little appendage protruding from my posterior! Oh, but that was a difficult time, as I've told you many times before. I got _so_ lonely being the only living creature on Symphonia… Imagine my happiness when I discovered those little apes crawling around the mainland!

…Of course, _now _I regret not wiping them out when I had the chance.

And then, as a bird, I mostly spent my time annoying the hell out of Lord Yggy and Hair Gel. I was so busy I didn't even realize part of my own body was plotting against me…

Y'know, the more I ponder it, the more I realize that I _did _notice it back then. I have some vague memory of Lord Yggy pulling on it and screaming at me after I soiled his head in my bird form… (2) But back then, I just didn't think it was big deal.

But now I know better.

Ah! He's mobilizing! Look at him, diary, wagging around innocently… Now is the time to strike!

_**Monday 9:34 A.M.**_

Too tired to write. Little bastard wore me out. _How _does he _do _that? Every time I'm about to catch him and gnash him to shreds, he _juuuuussst _manages to elude me! Dammit!

Ugh… I need some freakin' jerky. Be back in a sec.

_**Monday 9:35 A.M.**_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Disaster! Catastrophe! It's the end of the whole damn world! AAAAAAHHHHH!

We're out of beef jerky!

Oh yeah, and there was some huge flashing pillar of light from the east, shortly followed by the arrival of a massive tower from the sky, as though being delivered upon us by the hands of the gods themselves. I distinctly heard (3) the crunching of buildings, rock formations, and human bones, as they had apparently decided to set it on top of the thriving futuristic city of Lumanaria, where all sorts of wondrous medicines and inventions were being mass-produced. It was the hope of Sylvarant. (4)

But who cares about any of that! MY JERKY IS MISSING!

This will never do. This will never do. I _need _that jerky. I need it like a wacked-out drugee, willing to sell his body, abandon his family, and basically throw away all that makes him human in order to get his hands on his fix. (5)

There's no way I can wake up Dirk and beg him to get some more. He'll just throw his hammer at me again. Damn! I'll have to go into town and get it myself.

Monday 9:45 A.M. On The Way To Town 

Am I really the only one who wonders just _why _the wildlife in this area tends to suicidally launch itself at the nearest living creature? Honestly, I was just brutally attacked (6) by a fluffy-white bunny. _A fluffy-white bunny! _Really, where else but Iselia would you expect to be assaulted by Bambi's entourage? Do the other town's inhabitants hold conversations like: "Hey Bob, I'm going out to get the groceries!" "Be sure to take your sword, the rabbits are vicious today!"

…Damn Yggy, splitting the worlds and all. This all his fault.

_**Monday 10:03 A.M.**_

This is an _outrage_! Simply an outrage! Just who the _hell_ do these guards think they are? **LET ME IN!**

…OW! Keep that spear sheathed, you idiotic minuteman! I didn't spend 4000 years trudging around this abysmal planet to be halted by a couple of militia buffoons! Go home to your overweight wives and 3 acne-ridden teenage children! No, wait, scratch that wife part. Go home to your overweight _husband. _Nobody who wears his helm cocked like that has any interest in grabbing the attention of a suitably female mate.

Oh, praise the goddess, it's a rarity of immense proportions! Young Master Imbecile is here, and I'm actually _happy _to see him!

Oh, there he goes with the whole "Noishe is my dog" thing. That particular feeling of appreciation sure died fast. Listen, buddy, I'm not your _dog, _I'm the guy whose been watching your back for 17 years!(7) And my name's not Noishe, either! I've got too many names to count, most of them having prefixes of the "-The Mighty", "-The All-Powerful", or "The Destroyer" variety!

Oh, yeah, I was _"worried" _about you. Sure. See how my eyes roll? I want my jerky, dammit, and you're gonna get in that store right now and-

_What? _NO! We're not going back to Dirk's, we're going in the store! No! Not the leash! Aaaaaaaah!

---------------------------------End of Entries----------------------------------

(1) He'd probably whoop me, too. Damn dwarf card-playing skills…

(2) I blame the chili Hair Gel had stuck in my bowl.

(3) Yes, I _heard _it. This form has its advantages, keen hearing being prominent among them.

(4) There's probably something ironic about that, but damned if I wasn't too hungry to care.

(5) There's actually not a whole lot of those left, ever since Yggy obliterated all the pharmacies in Sylvarant. Said something about "drugees not being equal to everyone else." Weirdo.

(6) "Brutally attacked" meaning it leaped on me, and I proceeded to kick its ass. Thumper ain't goin' home to the family tonight…

(7) And a hellish 17 years they were, too. _You_ try getting Baby Imbecile's spit-up out of your coat. If, y'know, you had one. Inferior human.

--------------------------Footnote End----------------------

I'll probably continue this, which explains some of the confusing parts. They'll all be revealed in time. I'm just hoping I don't completely forget about it, like (coughcoughroysourboycoughcough) certain other stories of mine.It's been a while since I played the game, so gimee a break if anything's screwed up. AndI know the footnotes are confusing, but I find them funny. So deal with it!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Monday, 10:05 A.M.**_

No no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Unhand me, you filthy little mud-worm! Back to town! _Back to town! _Arrrrgh! …Fine. But you just lost your petting privileges for a month, Master Imbecile. Nerdy Girl (1), you're helping him, so same goes to you.

Hey, wait a minute, I remember this place. I took quite a fall here. And it was then that I learned to fear the terror that was Baby Master Imbecile… He started crying for his "mommy", who I distinctly remember had turned into a gigantic monster trying to eat him. (2)

Kid never had any brain cells, not even back then. Maybe I _should_ have just let her have him. After all, what's the worst she could have done compared to Dirk? With all the times the dwarf threw his hammer at Master Imbecile, it's no wonder the kid's so… I'll be nice and say _special._

Oh well. Time to get moving. Hey, maybe we can grab some jerky at the base up there. That may prove difficult, however. (3)

…Oh no.

Oh, _NO._

That scent…

It couldn't be…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONO!

Gotta get out of here, _gotta get out of here! _I'll talk later, diary, but right now I'm _getting the hell out of here! _

_**Monday, 10:15 A.M. Outside The Desian Base**_

I shall have you know, dear diary, that Noishe P. Philips does not _do _cowardice and desertion. Which, as I have realized as I scampered out of that accursed forest, is exactly what Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl were attributing to me. I do, however, retreat. And that's exactly what I have just done.

Come on, don't look at me like that, you stupid book! I had no choice! You'd have run, too, if you had a stalker of that magnitude! …Can books have stalkers? Do you? I bet you do. Don't deny it.

Yes, dear diary, _she _is back. After I abando- left Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl to their own devices… she confronted me. I shall record our conversation here, so that you may gain an insight into the torment I experience often at the hands of this she-devil.

I had escap- made a tactical retreat from the forest, but she had apparently doubled around and was awaiting me at the exit.

"Noishey-chan!"

The voice of Nifilheim itself.

"What… What do you want from me?" I was terrified. Trust me, I have good reason.

"Silly doggy, you don't have to whine! Oh, you are so _cuuuuuuuute!_"

By now, my ears were bleeding.

"Back off, horrendous spawn of the netherworld! It's against my nature to hit women, but I'll give you no quarter if you get any closer!" I roared.

"Oh!" She seemed shocked. "Wh… Why are you barking at me?" Honestly, the girl makes Master Imbecile look like… Well, I can't really think of anyone smart to compare him to, seeing as how this world is full of idiots and all, and none of them come close to my brillian-

Ah, that's it. She makes Master Imbecile look like _me. _

Her bottom lip was quivering, giving her the illusion of innocence and purity. "Noishey-chan, what's the matter? You're so cyu-te! (4) I just want to hold you and squeeze you and take you home to love forever and ever!" (5)

But I wasn't fooled by the trick, obviously. "Oh-ho-ho no, no you don't! You're not taking me anywhere! Master Imbecile may have the brain of a semi-evolved ape, but at least he remembers to fill up my food bowl! You'd probably lose it amongst your horde of plushies and ex-pet skeletons!"

"Stop barking, Noishey-chan! You're coming home with me!" With this, she grabbed my collar and began dragging me away.

Complete and utter terror on my part.

But with that terror came a wild adrenaline. I struggled furiously, and suceeded in breaking free of my collar, beating a path into the woods faster than you can say 'Mithos Dennis Yggdrasil the Forty-Second'. (6).

I have made my way back into Iselia Woods, and I believe I have suceeded in locating Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl. They're… outside the base? That's weird. And… they're talking to an elderly human?

This should prove interesting. I shall report back later, diary, with an update of these events.

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(1) My sources are incessantly trying to convince me that Nerdy Girl is in fact a half-elf boy who has not yet reached puberty. And that his real name is Genis. This is preposterous. What kind of name is _Genis?_

(2) Basically, she switched roles from mother to mother-in-law.

(3) Forcystus and I never really got along. It all started about 23 years back. I had drank quite a large amount of lemonade, his cannon-arm looked just like a Welgaisa Fire Hydrant… Our friendship had pretty much gone downhill from there.

(4) Pronounced with lisp and all.

(5) She bore a strange resemblance to a character on some kid's cartoon I had once caught Hair Gel watching, but I was too panicked to remember what it was called. Um… Tany Tons? Tooty Towns? Tommy's Tows? Uh…

(6)Which is quite a mouthful. And you wonder why I dubbed him Lord Yggy? I don't even want to go _in _to Hair Gel's full name.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, this is basically the ToS plotline, with Noishe's humorous adventures along the way… Forgive me if I screw anything up, it's been a while since I played the game… Eh heh heh…


	3. Chapter 3

_**Monday, 10:32 A.M. Dirk's House**_

BWA HA HA HA HA! Oh, ah ha ha, AH HA HA HA!

Oh… Ah… Ha… Can't write… Too busy laughing… Continue later…

_**Monday, 3:00 P.M. Dirk's House**_

Ah, I apologize for my previous short entry, diary. But it was simply too funny! Allow me to explain what happened.

Alright, so I'm walking back from my "encounter" with 'Lil Miss Psycho, looking for Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl. And, whaddya know, they're up at the Desian base, shooting the breeze with one of the prisoners.

I _believe _that just before we left Iselia, the guards were _explicit _about them _NOT _going to the base, but, really… Who _cares?_ Way to stick it to the man, Master Imby.

Anyway, the prisoner in question was some old lady. With my superior arshis hearing, I think I picked up the name "Marble". (1)

Anyway, the guards suddenly come up and start beating the old lady up with whips. Master Imby and Nerdy Girl, being the chivalrous heroic knights that they are, ran away. But then they apparently grew some backbones, and set up some sort of daring plan to rescue her.

Somehow, Master Imbecile pulls off this incredible jump up a few cliff ledges without breaking a sweat. (2) Nerdy Girl, panting and wheezing, climbed up after him.

So they get up on the cliff, and Nerdy Girl pulls out a… a… Ah, hell, I don't even know _what _that thing is. I think they called it a "khendama." (3)

Anyway, whatever it is, the thing apparently holds a flamethrower, because a couple of fireballs suddenly shoot out of it. I was actually kind of surprised. So were the guards, I guess. Their _skin_ certainly sounded surprised as it sizzled into oblivion.

Unfortunately, Nerdy Girl's weak little arms couldn't aim properly, so one of the guards was unharmed. And, being the chivalrous heroic knight that _he _is, he _didn't _stop to help his burning companions, and instead comes after my oblivious duo.

So Master Imby pulls off yet another incredible jump- I blame the steroids, personally- and runs past, while Nerdy Girl sneaks away.

This is the funny part.

Nerdy Girl's weak, skinny legs finally gave out, and she collapsed to the ground. The guards didn't hear a thing, and went on obliviously searching for Master Imby. But I wasn't about to let this opportunity to see Nerdy Girl get wasted just slip away, so I let out a loud bark, alerting them to her presence.

The guards twisted around to see Nerdy Girl just lying there like an idiot. Master Imby came back, and beat the guards with a wooden sword until they cried. (4)

So he took off and Nerdy Girl escaped, and the old woman was safe. And all was well…

But what they didn't realize was that there was a camera _watching them the whole time. _

Shocking, I know. I never would have expected a camerain a prison. Would you?

So now we're walking away. Nerdy Girl went home, and I, being the good Samaritan arshis that I am, tried to warn Master Imby about the camera.

I don't think I need to tell you that he didn't understand a word.

You know, just as we were leaving, I could have sworn I heard an old lady being turned into a hideous monster, and the sounds of Desian troops preparing for battle.

But hey, maybe that's just me.

* * *

(1) Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like the name of an item shop?

(2) No wonder the kid loves P.E. I blame steroids, although I have been hearing rumors on the street about this new drug called "Exsphere."

(3) Probably a _Mizuho _word. Damn the Mizuhoians. Think they're so smart, with their "second language"…

(4) If we ever get to Triet I am _so_ buying him a Knight's Saber.

* * *

Relative lack of sub-notes and humor, and a delay. I'm such a good author, aren't I? (weeps) 


End file.
